A snow-go just drove past, reminding me that I will no longer hear the sounds of cars and trucks for over four months. I will no longer be able to get into my cold, unheated car and drive to Target to grab something that I need, drive to Sandhills and search for something pretty to wear or drive to a happy hour to share stories of our life with friends. I am back in the tundra. I am back in the land of the frozen, where I must put on gloves, a ski mask, a fur hat, a parka, ski pants and arctic boots to simply walk outside. And I realize now that I missed this place.
Life out here is hard. At times, it feels like I am so reliant on other people. Need more vitamins? Mom and Dad ship them out. Want something special for the kiddies? Mom and Dad ship it out. Running out of shampoo? Mom and Dad ship it out. Starving and want to head over to Moe's for a burrito? Not an option. Sick of soup and want to eat something tasty and delicious instead? Not an option - don't have the ingredients and usually don't have the energy to do it. And yet I love it.
While I was home, I felt like a slave to my credit card and cell phone. I checked my cell way too often and felt like my credit card was being swiped every 15 minutes. Here life is hard, but it's so much more simple. I am finally considered stylish now that I have a Clemson hoodie to wear to school. Seriously. hoodies are the regular choice of clothing. For funerals, people put on their cleanest ones... and I'm not even kidding. While it's easy to 'let yourself go' out here, it's also a great reminder that so many things that one thinks they 'need' in life, are really not necessary. What is necessary out here is a good parka, warm boots, good gloves, a hat - not the newest high heeled boots, Coach purse or Dolce and Gabana sunglasses. It is a good perspective check for me. Instead of spending money on a new wardrobe for the arctic while home, I instead went out to eat a lot, went for drinks way too often and in turn laughed way too hard with good friends. Even though the only thing that followed me back here were the calories, I still have so many memories that will keep my head high while I struggle to find the beauty in the breakdown out here.
Jenny and I spend a lot of time talking about if we're coming back next year. It's kind of funny, we're kind of like a traveling couple without the 'benefits' of being a couple! We joke about that a lot, and I am so happy to have her here. It was such a comforting feeling as I felt my heart rate rapidly increase getting on the plane to Kotz from Anchorage knowing that she would be there in the morning. I had a moment, as Jack (our friend in Koz), Jenny and I shared stories about last semester together, of knowing that this was one of the reasons why I was back. I also had that moment as I sat down on the plane to Kotz and saw all of the eskimo kids on board. Never have I missed my kids so much as I did at that moment. It was at that moment that I realized that while sitting on the plane was not exactly where I wanted to be, it was exactly where I was supposed to be. Sometimes life presents us with challenges we're unsure of, and I'm grateful it gives us glimpses of reality to remind us that we're doing the right thing.
Four months isn't that long I keep telling myself, but in the four months, someone I know will get engaged, someone will have a baby and someone will probably get married. All I will have done is completed my first year of teaching. Is that good enough? I struggle with all the things I miss out on being up here. I struggle with the knowledge that while everyone's life is progressing forward, all that is advancing out here is my teaching ability. The thought of teaching somewhere else though does not excite me as much as it does out here, so yet I'm conflicted. What does one do when everyone else's life is moving forward, while yours is essentially remaining the same everyday? Do you hold onto the experiences you are gathering now and hope for something big, or do you cave into the norms and luxuries of society even if it's before you're ready? I think I have until May to figure it out....
Cristina
No comments:
Post a Comment