this was no love lockdown

Today I held three students in arms as others rested their heads on my legs. And then there were the ones who didn't want to be held, but simply needed to know that I was nearby. Almost all were crying. Everyone of them was turning to another telling them they were scared.

And I felt completely helpless.

Just before noon today a calm voice came over the loudspeaker to announce that we were on lockdown so to please move all children away from the windows and doors. We've been on a 'lockdown' before - not an official one, but simply the one where the teacher goes and locks their door. I quickly moved students out of sight and opened my door to lock to be informed that we were on an official lockdown and this was serious stuff. I locked my doors, cut off my light and told all students to as quickly and quietly as possible move to the corner of the room. They must have been able to sense the absolute fear in my words as I said this because not one protested. We sat in a dark corner for almost an hour, most of us too scared to say anything. Someone finally came in after about twenty minutes to tell us that there is a dangerous man who is armed possibly in the building and the troopers are here to search and protect us. We were later escorted to a larger room where most of elementary had congregated. At one point, the troopers yelled the guy's name and then blasted into the room, only to scare the children to pieces with their massive weapons and strong voices. They asked if we were safe and then continued on their search.

Thankfully the guy (who I later learned is only 16 or 17, so boy really) was not in the building and we were able to return to our room after about two hours of sitting in a dark, silent room listening to small voices and quiet sobs. I rewarded the children (and embraced my exhaustion) with a movie - something I rarely do - and due to lack of gym, they were beyond antsy. We were dismissed at 3:35 - just five minutes after our usual time, but I felt like it was 9:00. That's how exhausting and stressful spending two quiet hours with 17 eight and nine year olds can be.

I later learned this boy raped someone in a village over a couple days ago and has been on the move ever since. He has threatened to kill any police officer he sees, so the federal troops are here. They had reason to believe he was in the school building, and that is why we were on lockdown. It.was.scary.

Through every tear that landed on my shoulder and every whisper of my name, I realized that I love my children more than words can describe. I have never been so concerned for someone else's safety as I was today. The moment the words were uttered: this is a real lockdown, get your kids into the corner now, my heart dropped and I was scared. I was scared because at that instance I could not guarantee a safe classroom for my kids - we all were in danger. Seventeen sets of eyes peered back at me for guidance and resolution, and all I could offer were back rubs and a "We're in this together" mentality. I was so scared that something, anything, was going to happen to them.

I also felt so helpless. I had no answers. I didn't even know where to begin in consoling them. All I could do was smile and hope for the best. Never have I felt so responsible while also feeling so helpless. All these eyes, and yet there I was.... helpless against an armed man. At one point I even uttered the words, "I don't know. I'm scared too." While I know I should have never said this, I do believe that the kids then understood that we were all in this together, and I would do everything in my power to protect them. For a few hours today, I saw what each child in my classroom was capable of. I saw children step up as leaders. I saw children who never talk to each other in class hold each other and tell them it's going to be alright. For the first time ever, I saw more love than imaginable and little fear in each of their eyes.

I am home now and I hear voices outside my window. I jump. I cringe. I am nervous. The fear has set in and it will take awhile to leave. The honest truth is that if something happens out here to you, you most likely die. There are no hospitals, no doctors or emergency rooms. And this makes me nervous. Nervous for me, nervous for my roommate and friends and nervous for my children and their families. This boy is dangerous and could be anywhere by now. No one knows. Not even the feds.

I have never been so ready to get on a plane and get out of here, but I need to know that each of my kids are safe - and so I stay. I have one more week until I'm in Kotzebue and one week and two days until I'm standing in the airport terminal hugging my family. I am so ready for that moment to come. I'll have my Rainbows packed just for that special occasion.

So here's to loving and living so passionately your heart hurts after a day's work,

Cristina

Update: It's now Friday and he is still on the loose. It turns out that he was actually born in 1984, not 1993, but that's still so young. He could be in any of the three villages, but rumors are flying everywhere. We have school today from 10:00 - 1:30, but barely any kids are here. People don't know where he is - and there's a lot of hostility against the troopers (the feds have flown up from Anchorage to find this guy because he puts a new definition to the word dangerous), so anyone could be harboring him they say.

Since the feds are in town and he has threatened to kill them all, anyone white is especially in danger. Since he is a rapist, my roommate and I are in even more danger. Our principal and assistant principal keep checking in on us and remind us that we're really not allowed to go anywhere within the village. It's not a soothing feeling, but a real one to say the least.

I hope they find this guy soon. I'm out of eight dollar cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats) and need to go to the Post Office.... but I'm pretty sure that everything in town is closed due to these events.

Let's just hope they get this guy and no one gets hurt or killed. He could be anywhere. The tundra is big and vast, and zero degree temperatures at night is not cold to an eskimo.

See! They really are the cutest when they're not being little devil children :) !

(We were doing stuff for Halloween. I haven't taken pictures in awhile....)

The guy supposedly made a direct threat against the school and administrators. How could you hurt these kids?!

should i stay or should i go now?

Dear Lower 48,


I often get asked on what I'm doing next year. I go back and forth about staying out here all the time. Life is hard out here. The kids are a challenge, the conditions are hard, and I often feel like I'm missing out on so much. Already I've missed two weddings and the birth of a best friend's baby. And then there's Restaurants! Friends! Happy hours! Movies! Laughing! Gym! High speed internet! Haircuts! I mean I know I don't need all of these things in my life, but goodness you have no idea how much you appreciate them until they are completely unavailable. 

Friday was a hard day for me. I got chewed out by a mom who said she's going to take me to the schoolboard in hopes of me going down because I didn't let her child go to the bathroom. Seriously. The child asked at 3:15 and I told her she could wait until after school (which was at 3:30). I explained to the mom that we have scheduled bathroom breaks throughout the day and got handed a new one for not letting children go at their own free will. I would much rather let kids just go when they needed, but these children can't handle the freedom of it. We have to take breaks so they have some sort of schedule and continuity in their life or else they would play in the bathroom all day. Everyone's told me not to worry about it, but it's like I work my butt off and this is how I get treated? I get to listen to a mom yell at me for ten minutes because her child decided to run home after school and not use the perfectly suitable restroom right outside our classroom? I know I should expect these things to happen, but I was definitely frustrated. Now I have to document every time this child asks me to go to the bathroom and write down if I let them or not and all this other stuff.... because in my classroom - where the kids can barely read (nine children read at a 16 words per minute or lower) - I should be worrying about documenting bathroom times and not focusing on if they can read the word 'cat' apparently. Thank you student's mom.

So that was my Friday. And I found out that meth has hit our village... and NANA checks come out - the checks for native people. They were $1500 per person this year and most people out here have at least four children (one of my kids has 20 other siblings - seriously - needless to say not all by the same woman who he's married too... but still... 21 kids throughout this tiny village!), so just imagine all the money flowing through here. This means they're going to buy meth and snow-go the 20 miles to Kiana - a village that voted to go 'wet' and be able to sell alcohol in October- and most parents are going to be wasted for days on end. I'm so nervous for all my young ones. But I have a life out here - and friends - and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to leave it all yet. 

The culture out here is to 'drink until you pass out drunk - so many of the high school students see/do this... and the few that do go to college often come back because this mentaility keeps them from being able to excel. It's such a different world here... I just feel like there are so many incredible 'social justice' things I could be doing with my students, but their priorities right now are obviously reading and math.. and I often wonder if my abilities are better suited somewhere else... but then I look around at all the injustices here and I know that right now, at this very moment, I am exactly where I am meant to be. And that's a great feeling, you know?

To know that at this very moment, you are exactly where you're meant to be is an indescribable feeling.. And I know that in two weeks, when I am getting off the plane and hugging my family and friends - that is exactly where I'm meant to be and that I am home.

cheers to finding your place in life, whereever that may be,

Cristina

Noorvik wrasslin' tournament (well... part of it)

Hello Lower 48,

I spent this past weekend in Noorvik chaperoning three girls for an elementary/middle school wrestling tournament. When I was asked, I jumped at the opportunity - since it was a big tournament, it meant that friends from inservice the first week of school would be there so I would get to see some good friends and share battle stories - but quickly realized it meant spending the entire weekend surrounded by kids. As you might figure, weekends are a safe haven for me... a time spent regrouping and keeping my sanity. This did not happen and yesterday afternoon I finally found my bed and spent a few hours in peace and quiet reading, sleeping and simply listening to the silence. It was something I hadn't heard in awhile and had forgotten how much I appreciated.

Chaperoning is an odd thing - you spend all your time with the students, you sleep on the floor, you eat cafeteria food, you get no work done.... and I love it. I go to a new village, I see new classrooms, I talk to people from all over the region, I get tips on how to make my classroom run more efficiently, and I get to spend time with new kids and know them a little better. I really do think it is the greatest thing ever, even if I wake up with my back hurting just a little bit.

Getting to Noorvik proved to be quite the task though. We were supposed to leave at 1:00, so I was prepared to get geared up and head down the hall around 12:30. At around noon a person came over the loudspeaker and said "If you're going to Noorvik for the tournament this weekend, your plane lands in four minutes. Get to the office immediately." One of my third graders was wrestling (she took first by the way!) and jumped to her feet. Well I scrambled around... I had all these great ideas and plans for my kids and I wasn't going to have time to present them to them... so finally I'm all geared up with no adults in the room. Well they send someone down and out the door we go on the sno-go. Heading over to the airport in about -27F weather flying on a sno-go meant it was the first time I had a brain freeze from simply breathing. My body was so warm.... my face freezing. My head hurts now just thinking about it. This is a picture of a sno-go with the sled behind it. We cruise around on these now that it's winter.

We stood at the airport (well on the gravel landing strip where airplanes land) for about 20 minutes in the cold and decided that it was a fluke call and loaded back up on the sno-go. I was able to go in and get my class settled before we were called again. I felt so much better about heading out... and my kids did quite alright on their turkey project I must say!

I got on the plane and sat co-pilot. Seriously! It was the coolest thing ever. I didn't fly the plane or anything, but I sat up there with my headset on and chatted with the pilot about anything and everything. I of course got my picture taken.... and felt like the coolest kid ever. I was a pretty scared the entire time my leg would hit the controls or my foot would hit a brake or something, but I proved smarter than I realized and was able to avoid any major castrophes. It was pretty freakin' awesome.

So many more stories from my trip from Noorvik, but I must sleep first. Wow... I'm stopping before we even get there. That's how you know it was some adventure.

Peace, love and hugs, hugs, more hugs,

Cristina

First bah-lizzzzzz-ard of the yeeeear.

Today was our first blizzard. It wasn't near as intense as I was thinking. I can still hear the wind whipping about outside my apartment though. Seeing that all of our houses are on stilts, I feel like I should be concerned. Then I remind myself that houses and people have been here for years, and life is still happening out here, so I must be safe.

As I was thinking about the blizzard and looking around, I realized that before coming up here I had this idea of the people here were almost 'sub-human.' I mean they live in the arctic so they must never get cold, right?!??! They would sweat at 50 degrees and run wild and free in short sleeves at 20 and then at 0 think about putting on a coat... obviously. I was wrong.
My eskimo friends and kids get cold just like I do! Seriously - who would have thought?! At 30, each child grabbed their coat, wore their boots and a beanie hat just like I would! At 10 degrees with the wind blowing we went outside and they complained just like I did! It was then I realized that wait! these people get cold just like I do!
I know this seems obvious to so many people, but it was a huge realization to me.

So the blizzard - Jenny and I got to test out all of our cold weather gear and we were warm and cozy. I might look like one big puffy burnt marshmallow, but at least I'm a warm puffy burnt marshmallow!

One week and one month until I'm homeeeeeeeeeee where no burnt marshmallow look is necessary :)
Cristina

So you had a bad day.

You would think that after the day I've had I would have gone to bed the second I walked in the door, but alas, it's almost midnight and I'm still awake and only thinking about dreaming. It's been one of those days where I woke up knowing that absolutely nothing would go my way. I woke up exhausted already, with the red eyes to prove it. I was doing the 'wow these jeans really shrunk in the dryer' stretches when my jeans ripped. Thank you second pair of jeans for staying strong until I could find myself to a close Express. Then I was late to work and the day with the kids was long. I came home ready to just lay on the couch and watch bad television until.............. the satellite doesn't work. hmmmmmmmmm.

The roomie and I called our local satellite expert, Brian, the seventh grade teacher, who said his was working fine. We did some inspecting with Brian outside in the 6 degree temperature only to realize that our coax cable had been cut. Twice. Once right by our apartment and once right by the satellite. Obviously whoever did this knew exactly what they were doing. As if the gods were speaking, my new neighbor walks by and we tell him what's going on. He was like, well that's pretty funny because I just got city cable today. Wait a minute!!! We put two and two together to realize that the moron cable guy cut our line going from the satellite to install our neighbor's cable. I couldn't believe it! WTF!!! Who does that?!??!??!?

So after I'm livid and convinced my day can't go any worse, Jenny and I sit down to watch Frost/Nixon. I, of course, burn the popcorn, but I still have high hopes for the movie. No kidding - during every climatic part the movie stopped. The dvd was bad. And then we didn't even get to watch the last two chapters because the dvd would NOT PLAY. I was just like... seriously? seriously? I'm going to bed now. Right now.

But I'm still awake. So I'm going to bed now where I will hopefully dream about a better day tomorrow. And life in around 40 more days because then I'll be getting off a plane in sunny South Carolina!

I will sleep good tonight, in a nice, warm comfortable bed with no one beside me. For all of this I'm grateful for though, and I have to keep reminding myself this - because a lot of my kids will sleep on the floor tonight maybe sharing a blanket with their multiple brothers and sisters in a cold house. It's sad, but it's reality here.

peace, love and lots and lots of hugs,

Cristina

poop in the shower

Why yes friends, you read that right.
Jenny and I experienced something tonight that we have never experienced. ever. poop. in the shower. and we laughed.
So about a month ago our toilet broke. It was no fun at all... the toilet simply would not flush. When this happened tonight, I didn't think twice about it. Nothing to drastic was in the toilet, so we would just tell the maintenance guy Chester in the morning. We went about life as normal in the apartment until.....
I'm exhausted. I'm beyond exhausted and it's 9:15. I can barely stay awake so I decide to succumb to eyelid pressure and stop reading to wash my face. My face soap hangs out in the shower, so I pulled back the shower curtain to grab it and screamed. Needless to say I was no longer tired. There was water in there! And not just some water - A LOT of water. Like four or five inches of water. And it was not clear my friends. No not at all. It was not a pretty sight. So I started yelling for Jenny all while laughing. I mean seriously... who does this happen to?!
Great. So now not only do we not have a working toilet, our shower doesn't work either. Welcome to the village life my friends I keep repeating in my head. I try to think clearly... my old apartment - the one we're linked with - I still have keys and there is definitely a bathroom in there, so we're safe. So I find myself in my parka, pj bottoms and boots ready to take the 100 feet walk to the door next door in the 1 degree temperature. I'm in and I'm stoked. We're freeeeeeeeee!!! I turn on the light, turn the corner and scream again. The toilet is in the shower!!! How does this happen?!
How is there poop in one shower and a toilet in another??
And why do these things only happen to me?!?!??!
Jenny and I have not laughed like this in a really, really long time. I'm bent over cracking up. I call my native friend, Alice, who laughs a lot and says, "Oh, I guess your vacuum is frozen." Apparently this is a somewhat common problem out here. The good news: it can be fixed quite easily - and only takes about 30 minutes to 'thaw out.' The bad news: The high was 7 and the low was 1. There will be plenty of days when the high is -30. Not good if the thing's freezin' at 7. hmmmmmm....
So needless to say I called Chester who told me not to worry - we'll be shower clean and clear tomorrow. He'll contact the city guys and they'll take care of it.
Oh yeah - there's a toilet in the other shower because it was leaking and he had to order another. So apparently the shower is an ideal place to store it for now....
So I always have pictures that kind of go with the topic, but I figured you would be happy if I didn't take or share those. So I'll leave you pictures of the cutest Halloween kiddies ever:
and yes, I was a 'glowing pregnant mom-to-be.' The kids were stoked - I"m not sure if they were more excited about my make believe baby or my straight hair. Oh mom - you would be so proud!

Here's a picture of the class the day before Halloween. We're just precious I know!

Three scary witches proved to be quite the entertaining photo.

Yep.. that's me as an expecting mom. Looks realistic, right? Look - beggars can't be choosy out here in the bush!

So I'm the pregnant one, obviously.. and Jenny's the cat.. and apparently Michelle went as someone from Kiss. I don't know... I don't really ask to many questions when it comes to her... but it's Halloween and we look good. Right.....

The last one I'm leaving you with is of Rainbow Bridge at sunset. Gorgeous... I know...

Hope everyone had a super fabulous Halloween! We did the best we could to celebrate... and had a good time!

Cristina

tales from Noatak

I'm back! from Noatak that is....

We had teacher inservice there from Thursday - Saturday. On Thursday morning everyone certified from five different schools across the district loaded up on chartered flights and flew over to the great village of Noatak to get their learnin' on. It actually wasn't half bad besides the fact that it was one large slumber party. Fortunately for us the district also flew over lots and lots of air mattresses, so we were slumber partying in style. Jenny and I were friends with one of the new teachers there, so she hooked us up with our room because we found out that two Selawik ladies snore. And they apparently dont' just snore, but they snore loud. So we set up shop right across the hall and kicked it there for a couple nights.

I got to drink milk! Like real milk, not the shelf kind from a carton! It was beyond exciting. Apparently it was flown over at the cheap price of $13 a gallon... so yes, it was a big deal that it was there. I have never appreciated the taste of a brownie and milk until Friday night. It was delightful.

So as you've read, it's been a hard life out here in the classroom for me and I've been struggling a lot. This inservice came at exactly the right time. It was such a great experience for me to be able to meet and talk to other third grade teachers across the district and share idea and hear their stories. It was a little hard for me at first. After hearing about some people's classrooms, I quickly came to the conclusion that no one's was quite like mine when it came to behavior. Everyone only had at the maximum 15 kids.... and they listened! I couldn't fathom a classroom like that. And then we had to pull up an assessment that the district had us give the students, and while most people had one or two students that were well below average, I had nine. NINE! So not only am I teaching a huge class size compared to my fellow teachers, but I'm also teaching an insane amount of kids third grade curriculum that can't even read. It's been a tough go these past few months.

I was pretty upset about this and feeling more and more overwhelmed... and then we had sharing time. I know that sounds pretty funny. We were all sharing our thoughts and things we do in the classroom, and my group just kept telling me how incredible I must be as a teacher. And then the trainer would mention things, and I would tell stories from my room and the people in the room would be impressed with certain strategies I've incorporated to help the kids. I learned so much last year, and finally having the chance to put it into practice is apparently paying off. I had seasoned teachers coming up to me and telling me that I must be doing something right. It was so great to hear. I felt so empowered, and I haven't felt like that in months. I finally realized that I am really good at what I do, and I needed to be reminded of this so I can walk into my classroom again tomorrow.

I'm about to go to bed now, but I'm trying to hang on to my sense of empowerment and positive outlook for as long as possible tomorrow. Just because I'm feeling like I can handle whatever's thrown at me tomorrow, I know that tomorrow will not go as smoothly as I would like. Just because my outlook's positive doesn't mean my kids have changed their discipline at all. But I'm still here and I'm still standing, so that must mean something. So come on tomorrow, I'm ready to put everything from this weekend to practice, get my kids in order and get one day closer to heading towards that little place I like to call home.

Just wait. I hope tomorrow's blog isn't about how I went to school all excited and got everything thrown back in my face....

And I bought my sister's birthday present today. Her birthday's on Wednesday, so it'll be late, but it's a priceless gift so she can wait. I swear she better be thrilled about it or I'm going to reclaim it at Christmas. I'll tell you what is after she gets it in the mail. And you'll laugh. It's that good.

So here's to another day of learning. And being empowered.

Cristina

So here's a few more food for thought pictures from the tundra:

I'm making an 'ice angel' here. My buddy Kevin who teaches 3rd grade in Buckland and I went and played on a frozen pond. It was fun but goodness it sure was cold.

I walked all over like this calling myself the 'Alaskan Southerner.' Look at that argyle with the snow pants. Priceless! It's quite the rage for alaskan southerner's. Bring it on mother nature! You can take a girl out of the south, but you sure can't take the southerner out of the girl :)

Talk about big - umm this is a whale bone and it is huge. I know whales are big... but.... I was definitely impressed by the size of this thing.

Well that's all for right now. More pictures to come.... and some with my kids in them. Woohooo!

Kivalena: it's falling into the ocean. and that's a problem.

Dear Lower 48,

I am writing feeling more refreshed than I have in days. Seriously. One would think that being a chaperone to five high school girls for an overnight high school volleyball game sleeping on a classroom floor would be beyond exhausting, but not after the week I had. The trip was a lot of fun and the perfect ending to a week that I wish had never begun.


For the past couple weeks my classroom has been in constant turmoil. The same kids will not listen and constantly try and walk around the room and out into the halls without permission. The same three children got sent home early every single day the entire week. I found myself so overwhelmed that I was always yelling at the kids. Finally on Wednesday I reached my breaking point, basically tried my hardest not to have an emotional breakdown and reevaluated my life out here.

So why the constant turmoil? To break it down quickly, here we go: A couple weeks ago one of our stores got broken into and $200,000 was stolen. There was that much money in the safe because PDF's - the money people get back for living in Alaska - were coming out and most people in the village cash the checks at the store... so the store was stocking up. They ended up taking about 12 people into custody with intentions of arresting only a few - but of course the ones who weren't going to get arrested were found with weed on them, so everyone is in prison now. Well the money was stolen from my teaching aid's grown children - so she quit because her family is now shunned throughout the village. Well that was great because I desperately need help in my classroom because there are daily fist fights among the students and I'm not comfortable with it just being me in there... but I'm once again left with no choice, so that's stressful for me and the students. And she was one of my problem student's Ahna - grandmother - so I thought that it was his mom that was the mastermind behind the stint. I know that having your mother hauled off to prison and your family shunned would have a dramatic effect on a child, so I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

While I was doing that another child's behavior was getting out of control. Finally, on Wednesday, I had had enough. We ended up calling his parents and his dad came in to observe his behavior and then meet with me. All throughout the conference I kept saying to his dad, "His behavior has drastically changed in the past couple of weeks. Has something happened in the past couple of weeks that would cause this?" Well his dad just kind of shrugged it off and promised to work with him more. After the meeting I was talking to a teacher and she was like, "Well his mom did just get hauled off to jail for stealing the $200,000." I was like WHAT?! I thought it was (the other kid's) mom! She was like.. no... it was his. Great. I felt like such a jerk. If I would have known that I would have approached the conference quite a bit differently.

Then, while I'm reveling in that, another teacher walks in to tell me that our principal, who I absolutely think is fabulous, and his wife, who I absolutely adore even more, have resigned. As if the intensity and emotions throughout the village aren't enough to handle, now we have this thrown on us. I came home Wednesday night feeling exhausted, defeated, and questioning why I chose this career path.

I spent Thursday regrouping, reflecting and remembering why I chose a life out here. It was really, really good for me. I greeted my students Friday morning ready to kill them with kindness. While it didn't work as well as I would have liked, it's definitely a work in progress. And I hope it works. I can't handle being the teacher I was becoming. Constant yelling, constantly stressed. I had to stop and take a step back.

Friday afternoon I flew out of town and chaperoned the volleyball team to Kivalena - a village that could fall into the ocean any day now. It was a lot of fun and great mental break. We laughed a lot, ate total crap food and watched a lot of football.

Sports games are completely different out here than the lower 48. First off, multiple teams fly out to one village and compete that night and all the next day. You sleep on the floor in a classroom and hang out when you're not competing. It's interesting to say the least... There were three teams and the first night the team played two games and the next day we played two more. I got to walk around quite a bit and take a lot of fun pictures. Here are quite a few:

The sunrise was so pretty... this picture does not do it justice. It should be noted that this picture was taken after 10am. Yes, the sun was rising after 10am....

Do we look tough or what? We climbed the huge rock mountain and made it to the ocean and back. That's right - we're tough.  And Kivalena is falling into the ocean... that's why there are so many rocks.

So I'm not the best artist, but I thought it was be fun to draw a little bit of home in the dark sand up here in the Arctic.

I miss everyone all over the globe :)

and

football

and

happy hours

and

SIT hugs

and

so much more.

but I'm starting to

get homesick, so

I'm done now.

Cristina

Columbus Day? not here that's for sure.

                                                                                                      

Hi Lower 48,
I'm incredibly tired and I feel like I've done nothing but yield to exhaustion all weekend. I can hear the sound of four wheelers outside my room zooming by on the boardwalks. It's funny how the sounds of the village are so different from the sounds of the city. Four wheelers cruise by at all hours of the night and they are so loud with their lights shining into the window. In the winter it apparently shifts to the sound of snow-go's - aka snowmobiles).

Another week is about to begin and once again I have spent hours and hours preparing for the week and I find myself wishing for one more day. I would gladly accept Columbus Day as a day off simply as an excuse to catch up in the classroom. I had no idea life out here was going to be so much work. I have no idea how I'm going to start, much less finish, my capstone, but it has to happen. I will not be a graduate student any longer come May.

I finally sat down and looked at my kids benchmark scores for the beginning of the year. They were depressing to say the least. Our school district wants all kids to be in the 75 percentile - meaning they can read 113 words on their assessments with no errors. The 50 percentile should be reading 83. I have one child reading 83 - everyone else is lower. Way lower. I have two that refused to read even one word and multiple children reading below 10 with errors. My administration is behind me 100 percent, but they and the district office keep pushing new things on me - they don't know regular math facts (1 + 5 = 6), so I need to add math facts, they don't know sight words, so that's something else to add and the list goes on and on and on. Since third grade starts testing, my class is being watched very closely. I'm okay with this because it means I can get a lot of help when I need it (like begging for an aid even though they only have to give up to second grade teachers aid's), but I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment. Seriously. I am not super teacher... but I'm trying. I know that by May I'll have this all figured out (as much as possible at least) and I'll be closing my door for the summer. Never fails, right? But I'm going to try my hardest until then I guess. And I'll come home exhausted and anxious and I'll need the entire summer to recover from this year...

We watched Brothers and Sisters tonight and once again I felt the rush of homesickness. I love it out here, I really do, but sometimes not being able to do the simplest things - sit around a table, gather, sip wine and laugh with my family and friends makes me so homesick I want to cry. I know I'm doing what's right for me right now, but that doesn't mean that I hate missing out on moments that everyone's experiencing without me. Needless to say, the holiday season is going to filled with lots of hugs, laughter, and wine.

A quick story and then I'm off to dream...  Jenny wanted to play Bingo with her kids, so she created the boards and everything. Well they played one game and a kid got mad at her because they didn't win. Apparently the child was so mad that they threw their card down, jumped on their chair and started yelling "Stinky Pink! Stinky Pink! I hate you Stinky Pink!" (She goes by Ms. Pink at school). And then of course more children in her room started calling her that. Seriously! How funny is that?! I would have laughed out loud if that would have happened to me. Well Jenny had been trying to teach rhyming words, so she turned this into a teachable moment and talked to them about how stink and pink rhyme. Got to love those 'teachable moments' that are definitely not found in the curriculum. And you best believe that Jenny now has a new nickname here at the apt. Good times. Good times.

Speaking of which - how cool is this? We only have PO Boxes here, there is no mailman or anything... so there are no streets. It's so small here (village of 900) that it doesn't really matter, but lots of times you need a street address along with your PO Box for things - so we get to make them up! So far I've lived on 11 Boardwalk Drive and 4 Polar Bear Express. I change it everytime it's required. The Boardwalk Dr. one I got so excited when the dude asked that my mind went blank and it's all I could think of, so I was prepared for the Polar Bear express one. There most definitely are no polar bears in these parts, but I was definitely amused. Oh, so if you ever want to send something, my address is simply: PO Box 224 Selawik, AK 99770 If you want to make up your own street for me, go for it.. just make sure the PO Box is on there. Also, you basically have to send stuff in the flat rate boxes or else I will never, ever see it. It takes regular parcel post at least three weeks, sometimes a few months to get out here.... Oh I have a phone number too! It's 907-484-2568. Feel free to call anytime - we don't have an answering machine yet, so call until you get Jenny or me, and please remember that we are four hours behind you!

And with that said, goodnight Lower 48. I'll see you in December. Until then, I'll keep posting and looking up - there's word of Northern Lights here in next few weeks.

Cristina

Here's a few pictures of Stinky Pink at her finest:

ummm... so who says we don't know how to have fun out here in the arctic? yes, this is Jenny putting on a fashion show for all to see in her newest fashion attire from the one and only Cabela's.... the snowsuit. bring it on mother nature - she is ready to snow-go it up!

Sending hugs and love from the place that's warmer than out west in the lower 48.....

Cristina

urban sprawl?! hmph.

Hi Lower 48,

Life out here is still challenging, but I survived Monday with only crayons being thrown across the room - and not at me, so that was nice. Everyday I flip through the curriculum wondering how on earth I'm going to cover all of this... and how I'm going to make it relate to their world so I can teach it to them. We have a super strict curriculum guide - it's my school's fifth year of being a 'failing' school under the No Child Left Behind Act, so I decided to show up at the right time (ugh). Right before I started, I was handed workbook after workbook and teacher's guide and textbooks. I seriously had no idea what to do with all that stuff! In Vermont, there were no textbooks... they got rid of them even before California - and not because they couldn't afford them (like CA was talking about, I'm not sure if they really did go wtih the no textbook thing), but because they realized they did NOT meet the kids needs. Anyways, my district somehow managed to pick the most unculturally competent curriculum for these kids, so I spend half of everyday explaining things - ie - cars, horses, cows - everything else we don't have here in Selawik but does exist everywhere else... and half the day trying to teach. I had to explain urban sprawl to third graders. URBAN SPRAWL! We live in the tundra for crying out loud... my kids think Kotzebue is a city and Anchorage is the center of the world! So you can only imagine how much time it took to explain this simple concept so the children could understand a tiny piece of what the story was about.

Enough of that... so it hasn't snowed since Saturday, and for that I'm a little grateful. I am looking forward to the snow though. It's amazing (and I might have already talked about this before - I'm still fascinated by this) how in the lower 48 so many places shut down in the cold - but because the cold is so much apart of life out here, this place thrives on it. Apparently when the snow falls and freezes, it is time to play here in the tundra. Everyone has snowgoes and all of the villages are connected. Keep your fingers crossed - I hope to take lots of trips to other villages via snowgo this year and check everything. I do love how it's the cold and snow that connects everyone out here.

Oh and get this - my roundtrip plane ticket to ride half an hour on a 9 seater place to Kotzebue is $252. I was complaining about this to Alice, a local friend of mine who's daughter is in my class (she's 31), and she was like - just have Uhkpik (her boyfriend - Inupiaq name) take you on snowgo - it'll definitely be cheaper than that. It is tempting, but one can only imagine how I would look after 90 minutes on a snowgo and then catching a flight for 24 hours. I would be a hot mess. But oh how Alaskan that would make me feel - why yes friends, I rode a snowgo for 90 minutes and then flew 24 hours just to see each and every one of you. It makes me laugh. Oh and by the way - the snowgo is definitely a snow machine or snowmobile in case you're wondering.

I joined a CSA!! How cool is that?! It's a community supported agriculture program and it ships here to Selawik. Of course my food was boxed today and won't arrive until Thursday, but I'm stoked to have fresh fruits and vegetables here in the bush on a bi-weekly basis. Lettuce, green beans, carrots, pluots, apples and peaches here I come! You don't know how hard it is to eat decent out here.... and I've never craved chain restaurant food until now. Oh how badly I want just a burrito sometimes! Seriously! I come home exhausted and want to run over to my local grab and go place only to be reminded that I can have soup out of the can, velveeta macaroni and cheese or something else processed and not delicious if I want something quick. So lots of times if I'm to tired to cook - it's yogurt and granola... my staple.

I really should take more pictures of my kids on a regular basis. They really are incredible, but as a group they are exhausting. We just started a new unit though, and I've done a lot of reflecting on who I am as a teacher and where my ethics and values are... and I'm making a much more mental effort to stop the yelling. It's how so many of my kids respond because it's the only thing they know - it's how most adults talk to them - but I don't need to reiterate the norm. It's just so hard to be positive sometimes when you want to scream your head off. I'm learning that third grades takes more patience than fifth/sixth and I'm just not sure I'm that patient.

One more thing - the fifth grade teacher here could lose their job for simply lifting a child's hoodie when he couldn't see him to see if he was responding (one form of saying yes here is to raise your eyebrows). A few minutes later he sent the student to the office and later the student went home and told his Ahna (grandma - the caretaker for most kids in the village), who placed a call to Kotzebue (our district office is there) and now he could potentially lose his job. This makes me incredibly nervous because he was like.. don't touch your students, it's not worth it. My kids need so much attention and love that I'm a little nervous. I'm joining the union here which will apparently step in if something like this occurs. I'm not to scared about it because I have a pretty good relationship with my students, but it something for me to consider and be more aware of. It is sad though what our society has become...

The big vote here in Selawik is tomorrow - the natives are voting on if the village goes wet or not. If it does go wet, we will be able to buy alcohol here. That makes me so nervous. Selawik has a huge drunk problem - the natives make 'home brew.' Someone was telling me how they saw homebrew the other day and it had a potato, corn on the cob and raisins in it. ummm gross. Oh and it has the consistency of puke. yumm. I would love to sip a glass of red wine... umm.. every night at this rate - but with the huge drunk and alcohol problem (I have learned to despise the 2nd and 16th of every month because my kids come to school cranky because most of their parents have been out drinking all night), I'm really hoping the vote is no. Keep your fingers crossed.

Off to dream. First I'll leave you with a few pictures though.

B

Berry picking with the newbies in Kotzebue. Good times and really good berries (even though we only picked like six a piece).

Lots and lots of caribou heads. Makes me think of antlers - so out here when you sing the 'hokey pokey,' you put your antlers in, you put your antlers out... it's seriously the cutest thing ever.

And that is one large fish. dried. yum yum and yum. this is at culture camp obviously.. and sorry.. i don't know what's up with my eyes, but that fish sure is delish.

Somedays vs. Everydays

It's late and I'm exhausted, but another week has passed here in Selawik and I have yet to update the blog that I've promised to stay on top of. I just find that so many of the days seem so insignificant at that moment, but when I reflect back on my week, I realize that all these 'insignificant' events add up to one interesting week.
I do have to say what's been on my mind lately isn't how much work I've been doing or how the kids are behaving, it's something more. I have no idea if I'll be able to articulate it onto paper as clear as it is in my head, but here it goes:
I have a magnet on our refrigerator that says something of the extent: "And she realized that all of her someday's are right now." I have stared at this magnet time and time again and simply smiled, walking away not thinking twice about it. The other day though, my thoughts got lost and I realized that I'm living a life of most people's 'someday's' while they live their everyday's. My everyday is most people's someday's. and I realized that I'm not sure how I feel about it. Can you really have both? What most people do everyday - marriage, babies, etc. - I'm waiting to do and hoping that there will be away to have both - someday's and everyday's. Here's to planning too.
That's really what's on my mind. I'm sorry this isn't filled with fun stories. I did have a child throw a few pencils at me and knock over the pencil bucket in hopes of it flying pencils at me... only to apologize an hour later for what she did. The things children get expelled for in the lower 48 I don't even send them to the office for. It's just how it is out here. Sometimes I look around and all I can wonder is what have I gotten myself into? These kids test me and challenge me to where I just want to yell enough, I've had enough and pack my bags and head home, but then I look at them so full of hope and love and all I can do is take a deep breath and smile because I'm here and I'm doing this and I love it. Ever since I packed my bags and left for Montana I've lived a life that follows my dreams and relies on my instincts, and I am certain that right now right here is where I'm meant to be.
I miss you. I miss each of you (all four of you that read the blog- ha!). The other day I was watching something and the people were simply laughing and I realized that might be what I miss the most: simply hearing my best friends laugh as we sit around and talk about nothing (because remember - I like talking about boys more than globalization). We laugh here for sure, but there's something so genuine about hearing the sound of someone you truly care about just laugh.
Anyways, while you're reading this, know that I think about you everyday and I miss you. And I think you are truly fabulous. So go and do whatever you do 'everyday' and know that in May, I'll be back and I'll be expecting lots of hugs and to share lots and lots of laughs with you.
So here's to both somedays and everydays,
Cristina

PS - The other day I came home to find this on my doorstep. Only in Alaska! I was super giddy and can't wait to eat them. The whitefish are all cut up in the freezer and ready to be thawed. Any visitors?! Yum yum!

cOOkIeS!!!!

hello lower 48....
today might have been one of the best days ever... and not because a first grader complimented me (I think) when he said that I looked like an eagle flying. It might have been the best day ever simply because I got great music AND great homemade cookies all in one package. If you want some incredibly delicious oatmeal raisin or oatmeal butterscotch cookies - you know how to find me. The only problem is that by the time you get here, they will probably be all gone. but i'll eat one in your honor if you let me know....

so my buddy craig from the WEL program sent me out the new Eric Hutchinson cd and the cookies - with chocolate I should add. It was glorious. And the cd was in this super fun artistic case that he drew and painted and everything.  when i picked it up from the post office i was seriously skipping home. (and it should be noted that it was maybe 30 degrees today and windy - freezing cold). i kept waiting for someone to ask me what happened? why was i so giddy? but alas, i was home and got to tear into the cookies seconds later. so here's a pic of my buddy craig and me....
so what else has been going here? hmmmmmm... i would like to say that life has been so busy with crazy exciting bear fighting adventures or i've been freezing my igloo and plan to hibernate for the winter or something... but instead i've been objected to 'no child left behind' nonsense because my school is under strict watch by it and i've been simply trying to keep my head above the water.
my classroom is getting better though - i only average sending two students to the office a day as opposed to five - and i have a teacher's aid, so another set of eyes is much appreciated.
the weather here is starting to get so cold - as in it snowed the other day and now there's frost everywhere, but it is breathtaking. absolutely breathtaking. today i was walking to the post office and store and crossed over the infamous 'rainbow bridge' here in selawik. i looked to my left to see the mountains in the distance completley covered in snow. it incredible. the light was hitting the side of this one mountain, so it completely lit up. i wanted my camera, but then realized that there was no way it would do it justice. that's how i feel about the sunrises and sunsets out here too. i think i've mentioned it, but they are by far the most brillant colors i've ever seen in the sky. i love it.
here are some pictures, but i'm telling it - it does not do it justice for out here....
Awhile ago I went on that amazing boat ride and saw the prettiest rainbow ever. once again - the pictures don't do it justice, but I got the pics from one of the lady's on the boat with Jenny and me, so here's a few.... the mountains in the background, the rainbow, the perfect sky. Here it is:

No justice, but oh so pretty!

I'm going to put on my pj's and crawl into bed soon - but big news! I'm going to graduate from SIT in May. I'll be back in New England before you know it... back to the Bratt. It looks like writing my capstone on global warming from the cultural perspective is going to be a go, so I'm stoked. it's funny though - here i am in nowhere alaska, and sometimes, it just seems that when you allow yourself to follow your intuitions, it almost seems like you end up exactly where you were meant to be.

i'm off to rest - hanging out with third graders all day with very little sleep the night before means i'm exhausted....

oh and here's to great music, delicious chocolate and lots of good cookies.

Cristina

First Snow Day

This morning I woke up and contemplated getting out of bed for a full two minutes before deciding that there were lots of third graders who would be disappointed to find out that Ms. Cristina wasn't making her usual appearance for the day. So I woke up and walked into the kitchen to start my morning coffee when I noticed that it had rained throughout the night. There were lots of little splashes decorating my window and cleaning the spit on it that a child had left for all to see. Spitting is a huge part of the culture - I have never seen so many people spit all the time. Boys, girls - it doesn't matter. Everyone spits. Anyways - at this point in time it's pitch dark outside. And I'm not talking about your regular run of the mill dark - it's black. I've never seen a place so dark in my life. And apparently it's even that dark right now. By 7:30 though the sky had lifted a tiny bit and there was some light peaking through - showing me that it wasn't actually rain that had hit my window, but a light dusting of snow was sprinkling the porches and boardwalks of Selawik. I was giddy. until I remembered that it was still Sept. and then I got giddy again.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I've celebrated a birthday, I've visited another village, I've got some kind of grasp on my classroom. I'm going to try to catch you up the best I can over the next few days, but life out here is exhausting. I have never worked so hard in my life. Specials like music, art, chinese, spanish - they don't exist out here. It's simply classroom or gym. Each week I get a 30 minute break so they can go to gym twice a week. Besides that - they are mine. It's hard! Anyways, I'm making the best of it, but it means I come home each night with my feet hurting, I'm tired and I have to plan for the next day because I am not willing to go into my classroom unarmed with mounds and mounds for them to do. I've done that before and I've realized that 22 students with nothing to do equals nothing but trouble!

My birthday was actually super fun. Darren killed a moose three days before, so we had us some good ol' fresh moose burgers. Delicious. They were tasty. I do have to hand it to that boy - he sure does know how to cook. We went all out and had all the fixins'... from tomato to onion to cheese to french fries! Each of the things I just named are true delicacies in these parts, so it definitely was a celebration. Just look at that spread. Are you jealous? Or simply hungry?

I'll talk about Noorvik tomorrow. yep, I'm going to try my hardest to say something each night. It might be every other night, but it's got to be more regular than every few weeks....

There's Darren (not the best picture) being the famous chef he is. His mooseburgers were glorious. Along with the salmon he's made us, omelets, ummm... caribou spaghetti. I'm sure there's more, but needless to say - he's quite the cook.

I'm tired and about to go to bed to face yet another day of 22 3rd graders expected to learn something from me... but I leave you with this. I have a magnet on my fridge that says: "One of the hardest things to realize," she said "is that our 'someday' is right now." And all I can think about is that my everyday is most people's 'someday's,' but their everyday's are my someday's. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Sending warm wishes each of your ways,

Cristina

PS: It's a few day latera nd I never wrote anything about Noorvik. So Noorvik's the next village over - and it's like the Hilton over there while I'm staying at the Motel 6. It's not very nice - the houses are rough, the kids in the school system go through a lot just to get there every morning, but it's still 'home' for now. And I like it. But here are some of my absolute favorites...

Yes... it's early September in this picture - I'm with two new teachers (from Noorvik) I met at inservice - Benji (4th grade) and Nikki (1st grade).

See, I told you it was pretty there. It's pretty here too, but a change of scenary is always nice....

And here's a little one just to make you smile. And yes. that's a moose. although it's not alive, so if i don't see one here - i'm still convinced my theory will be true - moose are actually extinct. i've lived in montana and vermont and been to maine twice - where all states claim to have moose.. but alas... i have not seen them with my own eyes. so it's simple - they don't exist if i don't see them here, right? hmmmmmm

i'm off to go hang out with some moose. or some gossip girl. but who's watching? i'm in alaska!

cristina