A hurting heart

As I type, my family and some of my friends are preparing to make the trip out to Winnsboro, South Carolina. They are getting dressed in their black and completing their outfit with a few tears, as today is the day when they will say their final goodbye to Jenni Caldwell Sharpe. Jenni was my cousin's husband, Heath's, sister. An interesting fact about me: I have two cousins: Shannon and Devin. When I go home for Christmas and summer, I stay with Shannon and Heath and their son, Tripp. Heath's parents often pop over to take care of Tripp or just say hi when they'd been out running errands, and we'd all sit and chat about SC, Alaska, and small babies.

I was not close with Jenni, but we have hung out a few times at various things. I have lived outside of SC for far too long to really gain new friendships there. She did everything to perfection, and everyone loved her for it. She always smiled, loved all things monogrammed, and absolutely adored her cute little son, John Ryan. I can still hear the excitement in her voice when she would talk about him. She was one of those people everyone liked and she cared for everyone as well...

I remember when she first got sick. Almost every conversation I had with Shannon after that included updates on Jenny. I knew she was sick; I just don't think I realized how sick. In my world, we live in a day and age where people my age beat cancer. They don't succumb to it. We have technology! And while everyone at first seemed a little scared, everyone also seemed so positive. And then she rang the bell, and everyone rejoiced. She had beat it. Whatever it was, it was done. Whew. We were so happy. We were all ready to move forward. And then Christmas day, something happened. And we learned it was not really gone.

And we were still positive.

I had no doubt Jenni would beat this again. She did everything right. She prayed at night (well all day really), she asked people to prayer for her, she has a loving, caring husband and is mom to a 2.5 year old that she can't just be taken away from. So when my mom told me that Jenni had died as I sat here about to go to sleep in Botswana, the world around me crumbled. None of it made sense. None of it still makes sense.

And my heart hurts. My heart hurts for everyone she leaves behind. For her mom and dad who should never have to go through this. For her husband who will struggle each day to find himself without her. For her son who will not remember just how lovely his mom truly was, or just how much she adored him. For Heath, who will want to call her up and can no longer hear his sister's voice whenever he wants... after being able to do so almost all of his life.

And my heart hurts for my cousin. It is so hard to know someone you care about deeply and love is hurting... and there is nothing you can do. Death is something you lean on everyone for, but it is still very personal and a time when you must work through the feeling to be able to move on. I wish I could be there, but she is strong and knows that Jenni had a great life. It still hurts though.

So, as I said on facebook, but this time without the picture, I will say again...

If you could say a little prayer today, send some love, whisper into your pillow, hug someone a little tighter, whatever you do to send sweet, loving thoughts into the world...

The girl to the left is my beautiful cousin Shannon Wilson Caldwell and next to her is her husband's sweet, kind, strong, loving sister, Jenni Caldwell Sharpe. Jenni unexpectedly lost a hard fought battle to cancer yesterday. This was something I never saw coming because everyone was always so positive and her strong family was so proactive with treatments, taking care of each other, smiles, etc. Her passing is a vivid reminder that life is precious, family is incredible, and love is abundant.

Prayers, hugs, love go out to all of the Caldwell (and I should add Sharpe) family.